He Said She Said Series #8
Feeling Emasculated & Cheating
By Mike Reid and Bianca Teixeira
This series features Mike Reid and Bianca Teixeira as they answer readers' questions about relationships, style and everything in between. They've written together for various Canadian publications and started a video series by the same name. Now they're back at it, answering your questions at Good Read Magazine.
My boyfriend doesn’t have a job right now and I think he finds it emasculating when I try to help. Example: Connect him with people I know, suggesting job openings, etc. Should I continue or let him sort through it on his own? - Miss Supportive
Mike: Do boys find this emasculating, yes. Do men find this emasculating, no. Some men (including myself) can get a bit uncomfortable, awkward and/or insecure about getting help from our partners. I’ve found it difficult to accept assistance from people, including my partners. In male/female dynamics, there's still the cultural pressure that the guy should be taking care of the girl in all things.
First, you should ask him if it bothers him; you may just be reading his jobless frustration wrong. Secondly, assuming he’s told you, “Yeah babe, I’m fine.” but he’s actually full of crap and feeling like a sissy-man… he needs to nut up. If you have a good woman who wants to help and support you during the bad moments, that's amazing. Be thankful you are blessed and treat her like the awesome woman she is.
Bianca: Ha! 'Nut up!' That's amazing. Even though we live in a time when men are calling themselves feminists, there will always be a bunch of them that can’t accept help from a woman. And it comes from the inherent mental picture of men being the providers and women being the people they provide for.
Two roads to take here: (1) Start slowly and ask if there are any small things you can help with like organizing his resume, getting him the email of someone with job connections or something in that vein. He might not feel emasculated if the help doesn't come in monetary form. OR (2) Let him know that you're helping him no matter what in any way he needs because you're in love and that's what people in love do for each other, dammit! There's a chance he secretly DOES want help but doesn't want to be the one to ask for it.
Why do people cheat? – Cheetah
Mike: That's the simplest and deepest question ever. The beginning of a detailed answer is: 'homo sapiens sapiens' (that's all of us) aren't monogamous animals. If we were, you'd still be pair bonded to the first person you ever slept with. Destined to never have slept with anyone else, and only sleep with them until you die. Yeah, I'll let that sink in for a moment. The simple answer is: the majority of people aren't honest with themselves; therefore, they don't communicate their true needs and wants to their partners. That, coupled with the fact that sex is awesome, and you have the 2001 hit, "It Wasn't Me."
Bianca: Do you watch Sex and the City, Cheetah? Because if you do (or did) then you'll remember the quote "[People] cheat for the same reason dogs lick their balls, because they can." Cheating can be about so many different things. Maybe the person is unhappy in their relationship and are looking for a way out. Maybe he/she likes the adrenaline from almost getting caught. Or maybe they're into two different people and can't decide who to be with. You can't know why someone cheats until you ask them point blank. You have to be ready to hear the answer.
Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org with the Subject: '#HSSS', and we'll try to get them answered by Bianca and Mike. (Please note, not all questions are answered and/or published.)